Who is the Mall Ninja? A crazy-ass gun hugger who apparently works at a shopping mall and does not seem to be firmly rooted in reality. Or he just exaggerates to sound cool in front of the other weapon enthusiasts. Or maybe he has us all fooled and this is some of the best satire ever. Either way, his posts are absolutely hilarious.
I had heard about the ‘Mall Ninja’ before, but never followed up on it. Thankfully, someone put together a website with tons of material. And in a happy coincidence, I read about it in Boing Boing.
Via Boing Boing: Shrine to bragging deadly Internet “mall ninja”
Some highlights:
We were previuosly restricted to .38’s and two Mossberg 500’s with less leathel rounds in them, but when our team saved the life and possibly the virginity of the Mayor’s nephew, there was a special relaxation of the rules made for us, due to the factt that the nepheew(who will remain nameless to rpevent a scandal) was saved by us using weapons better than our issue setup, so now we have good funding for gear for our jobs, and we needed to find relaible SMG’s, but the HK’s just wouldn’t cut it.
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I am not a ninja, merely a student of the art of Ninjitsu, and I prefer not to have status such as “Ninja” laid upon me, for as yet I am unworthy of the title. I will be completing my ninjisu training in a little over 8 months, and then I will be a Master of Ninjitsu, a true “Ninja”. But it is not my martial arts skills that make me so vital to the security of the mall, it is my tactical and strategic skills honed by years of intens on-site on the job training. My weapons skills are the envy of the squad, and I think that with my expertise I ought to be able to choose an effective and reliab;e weapon for CQC and urban combat, whicch is why I chose SW, the MP5’s are junk comparatively.
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I have personally saved the ass-virginity of several young boys in my days. But there are many brave men like myself out there who risk their lives daily, so that boys like yourself can live a normal heterosexual life.